But For The Grace Of God
by bookwormgirl382
Summary: A secret from Tony's past is revealed after an extremely difficult case. Warning: discussion of child abuse  Please Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1

But For The Grace Of God

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS.

Ziva David walks up to her partner, Tony DiNozzo's front door. She had noticed that he had been rather quiet during their most recent case. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was that was causing this exactly and she wanted to help. The case had involved Lance Corporal Matthew Patterson who had killed three civilians who looked a lot like his father.

Tony hears his doorbell rings and wonders who would be over now. He'd figured his teammates would have headed home after a long case. It brings him back to his childhood. His father had been abusive when Tony was home from boarding school. Tony had felt lucky to be away from him the majority of the time.

_Flashback_

_ Tony DiNozzo is in his bedroom watching a movie. He had been trying to keep out of his father's way until he goes away to summer camp next week. His dad had already whipped him twice in the week since he's been home from boarding school and he doesn't want it to happen again. Thankfully, Tony knows that when his grades come in they will be up to his father's exacting standards. One less thing for his father to get angry about._

_ Anthony DiNozzo Sr. heads upstairs. He is angry. Tony's movie is far too loud for his taste (even though he doesn't need a reason for beating his son). The strap in his hand reveals his intent to his son as soon as he appears in his doorway. Tony immediately shuts off his television figuring this was what made him mad. He knows that it wouldn't stop him, but it might lessen the whipping a bit. _

_ What ensues is a terrible beating that Tony wouldn't soon forget. He would still be a bit sore when he went off to camp._

" I came to see what's been bugging you the last few days. This case has really gotten to you hasn't it?" Ziva asks him.

"Yeah. I was that kid when I was younger. My dad used to beat me anytime he felt like it. I don't know how I survived it sane some days," Tony tells her. "He would do it anytime I was at home. When I was sent to boarding school, I was relieved. I didn't have to worry about him coming home and deciding to take out whatever stress he was having out on me while I was away at school. I avoided going home on holidays whenever possible. I went to camp for most of the summer."

"Tony, I'm so sorry," Ziva says putting her arm around his shoulder and squeezing. She feels badly for the memories that her partner is reliving right now. She's had her own problems with her father, but at least he hadn't beat her.

"Thanks for that Zee_-_vah." Tony says. He has always appreciated the way she's been there for him so much. "Ya know, a case like this makes me realize how lucky I am to have turned out this way.

As the old saying goes, 'But for the grace of God go I."

Ziva nods her head in understanding. She had similar feelings about what had happened with her brother. She knows that Ari had been manipulated by her father and then had eventually turned against him in rebellion ultimately ending in Ari's death.

They sit in silence for a while. Tony just relaxes into the company of his friend.

"How about some dinner? I was about to order a pizza," Tony asks her not knowing if she'd eaten yet or not.  
"Sure, I haven't eaten dinner yet," Ziva says.

"Ziva, I would prefer it if you wouldn't mention it to the others. I'm not ready to talk about it with anyone else," Tony tells her as they wait for the pizza.

"I will respect your wishes in that regard but I think you need to tell them" Ziva tells him.

"I'll think about it," Tony says. He honestly would consider it, but he wasn't sure if he ever would.

They spent the rest of the evening watching movies. Ziva could hardly believe that the young man next to her had gone throuhgh all that he had and come out of it a wonderful man. She knows that the sharing he has done with her had been difficult for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS or it's characters.

The flickering lights of the television are dancing across Tony's face as he watches The Shootist, a classic John Wayne film on dvd. It's four o'clock in the morning and he is unable to sleep due to the nightmares that have been plaguing his dreams for the last week or so. He's hardly had any sleep since the case of Corporal Patterson. It's reminded him too much of his own childhood.

Tony finally dozes off about half way through the movie. The exhaustion that has been a constant companion lately has made him fall asleep again at last. It's nearly an hour and a half before the nightmares start again. Tony tosses and turns finally falling off the couch and landing with a _**THUD**_ onto his carpeted family room floor. Tony is definitely awake after that. He decides to go in his room and try to sleep a little more in spite of the nightmares. Otherwise, he might have problems staying awake at work in a few hours.

Tony slept the rest of his night is at least somewhat peaceful. He had one more nightmare, but at least he gets some sleep. He wakes at seven o'clock and gets dressed and ready to go into the office. He manages to make it on time this morning at eight. It's a relief because then he won't get yelled at by Gibbs for being tardy yet again. Tony's surprised he hasn't gotten a concussion from all the head slaps yet.

Jethro arrives at NCIS about ten minutes after Tony with his usual cup of coffee in his hand. He's surprised to see his senior field agent at his desk already. The rest of the team isn't even there yet. Gibbs has been concerned about Tony's unusually quiet demeanor and apparent lack of sleep. He's already decided that Tony needs to see Ducky to see if there's anything physically wrong with him and if it's mental, he's more likely to talk to Ducky than Jethro.

"DiNozzo, with me," Jethro says gruffly.

'Great' Tony thinks. 'I actually manage to get to work early this morning and I am still in trouble.'

"On you six,Boss," Tony said and hurries to obey. He doesn't want to make things worse. Unbeknownst to him, Gibbs was only concerned, not angry.

Gibbs get in the elevator to take him down to Autopsy. Tony get in only seconds later. They ride in silence to Ducky. Tony had expected Gibbs to hit the emergency stop button, but that hadn't happened.

Ducky and Palmer are working on inventory today. None of the other MCRT teams seem to have any cases this morning that need their attention either. Jethro had told him that he would be bringing Tony down and Ducky is prepared. He intends to send Palmer out for a bit so as to give Tony some privacy when he checks him out.

Palmer takes the hint and leaves. He decides to go visit Abby. That way, he would be in the vicinity when Dr. Mallard needed him to continue.

Tony reluctantly submits to the physical. Jethro has gone back upstairs at least. He has a modicum of privacy this way.

After his exam, Ducky knows something is going on and wants to get to the bottom of it.

"Anthony, One thing I noticed is that you have lost quite a bit of weight in the last week and a half. That in and of itself would be concerning. Also, you look pale and gaunt. Have you been getting enough sleep?" Ducky says pretty much knowing the answer to that question. He has seen it before in other agents. A difficult case comes up and they have nightmares and don't want to sleep.

"Not really, Ducky. I've been having nightmares. It started after the Patterson case," Tony told him figuring if he told him that much maybe Ducky wouldn't continue to question him.

_Will Tony tell Ducky everything? Stay tuned for Ch. 3._


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3

Disclaimer: Same as Ch 2

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. It has been helpful. I may be using your suggestions.

Tony looks at Ducky unsure what to say. He has been trying to avoid telling anyone else about the abuse in his past. Telling Ziva had been hard enough to deal with. He'd felt better afterward, but he's still worried that they'll think less of him if he does tell them.

Ducky can see Tony's mind spinning. He wonders what the younger man is having trouble with. The poor lad was utterly exhausted by the looks of him in addition to being several pounds lighter. Ducky felt the younger man needs to talk about what's going on with him so that maybe he can get rid of his nightmares.

"I've been having pretty repetitive nightmares. They aren't always the exact same, but pretty much similar to each other," Tony says carefully. He doesn't want to do it, but there's a good chance that Ducky will keep at it until Tony breaks down and tells him what is going on with him. 'I need to do this,' Tony thinks to himself. 'Maybe I can convince him to not say anything to Gibbs. I just can't face him right now.'

Ducky just sat silently waiting to see what Tony would do. He wishes he would tell him what's going on, but knows how private he is. He doesn't want to push him quite yet.

"If I tell you, could we just keep it between us? I'm not ready for everyone to know about it," Tony asks him. He holds his breath without realizing it waiting for Ducky's reply.

"Even though I would certainly encourage you to talk to at least Jethro, unless it's truly effecting your ability to do your job, I won't say anything. Even then I wouldn't get into the specifics without your permission. I would just give the basics," Ducky tells him hoping that Tony will tell him.

Tony takes a deep breath and then begins. "I have been dreaming about my father. After my mother died, my father started hitting me, especially with his belt. I was actually relieved when I was sent to boarding school at 12. I stayed with friends whenever possible during holidays and went to summer camp for the majority of the summer. The Patterson case made me relive that part of my past. I realized how lucky I was that I didn't turn into something like that. Since then, I've had nightmares off and on and that's made it rather difficult to sleep. I've been staying up late watching movies for the most part to avoid it whenever possible," Tony tells him.

Ducky is shocked by this revelation. While he'd suspected neglect on the part of DiNozzo Sr., he'd never thought that the man had actually beaten his son. 'No wonder he's having nightmares. Anyone would be under the circumstances.'

"Anthony, I had known that you'd been through neglect in your childhood, but I had never suspected that you'd been abused. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you were put through that," Ducky says compassionately. Far from making him think less of the younger man, this actually makes him prouder of him 'I wish he would talk to Jethro about this or at least someone else on the team.'

Tony is shocked at Ducky's reaction. Compassion is the last thing he thought would come from this conversation. He should have known better. Ducky had always been kind to him. 'Gibbs wouldn't be as understanding,' Tony thinks. At least that's what he thinks.

"Does anyone else know about this?" Ducky asks wondering if maybe Tony has confided in Ziva, McGee, or Abby.

"Actually, I did tell Ziva recently. It was right after we solved the case and she'd noticed there was something wrong with me and asked. I felt that I needed to tell someone," Tony tells him. "I'm worried about what the others will think though. It's been difficult enough with the two of you."

"Anthony, I know the others have noticed that there's something wrong. Otherwise, Jethro would not have brought you to me. I think you ought to tell them. Also, I'm not sure that counseling wouldn't be helpful. I also know that they won't think any less of you because of this," Ducky tells him knowing this was at least one of the reasons Tony hadn't told the rest of his team about his past.

Tony disagrees with Ducky on both points. He hates going to shrinks for psych evaluations. He couldn't imagine going to one voluntarily. Also, he had a feeling that Gibbs would thing him weak for what has happened during his childhood and who knows about McGee. He can't even think about telling Abby. "I just can't Ducky," Tony says. He's been struggling with his memories lately, but to face even more people with it would be even worse.

Ducky knows that Tony can be nearly as stubborn as Jethro. "I would recommend counseling either way Anthony. You would most likely benefit a lot from it."

"I'll think about it Ducky," Tony says trying to get the ME off his back for a while anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4

Disclaimer: Same as last ch.

Ducky decides to ask Ziva down to visit him after Tony heads back upstairs. He feels well within his rights to discuss Tony's issues with her since he had already told Ziva. Ducky certainly intends to keep his promise to Tony and not tell Jethro at this point. He knows that would be a violation of Tony's trust and that would only ensure that Tony wouldn't confide in him again.

Ziva comes down to autopsy not knowing what Ducky could want to see her for. They didn't have an active case at the moment, so there was no work related need for her to go down there. She doesn't know that Tony has revealed his past to Ducky as well.

"Ah Ziva. There you are. I have been talking to Anthony today. There are some things that I would like to discuss with you," Ducky tells her.

Ziva looks at him surprised. She hadn't thought that Tony would talk to anyone else about his childhood, but that's the only thing that she could think of for Tony to talk to Ducky about. She'd noticed that Tony had still been acting strangely. She didn't think that he had been sleep9ing very well. Tony has seemed really tired to her lately.

"I have been concerned about Tony lately. I am unsure if you mean what I think you mean or not," Ziva tells Ducky wanting to confirm what she suspects he means.

Ducky then proceeds to explain exactly what he means. 'I just hope we can find a way to help him,' Ducky thought.

"I am a little surprised that Tony told you about this. He was reluctant to tell me when I talked to him before," Ziva said.

"I just talked to Anthony about my concerns and also I had to promise not to tell anyone else about it, but I did get him to tell me that he had told you as well. Hence why I am talking to you," Ducky told her. "I would not betray Anthony's confidence and talk to someone he hasn't told himself. That would just make him unable to trust me." Ducky told Ziva.

"I'm glad Tony found someone else to talk to as well. I have been concerned about him myself lately. He certainly isn't sleeping like he should. I have seen the sacks under his eyes," Ziva told him.

Ducky smiles slightly at Ziva's error. She's been doing better with her idioms but still occasionally slips up. "I am concerned too. He has told me he doesn't sleep much and when he does he is woken be nightmares more often than not in the last week and a half or so. I have recommended counseling, but I'm not sure if he will take my advice or not."

"I am not sure about that either. He is quiet stubborn. I tried to convince him to talk to Gibbs and the rest of the team, but he didn't want to do that yet. I guess it is an improvement that he talked to" you though. He needs to talk to other people. It might eventually help him," Ziva tells him.

"I agree with you Ziva but I think he's afraid that they will think he is weak. When he asked if we could keep this from Gibbs, I was surprised," Ducky said.

"Keep what from me Duck?" Jethro says as he walks into Autopsy. He hadn't heard exactly what's going on but figures it's something about Tony.

"Jethro I cannot tell you that. I promised someone that I wouldn't speak about it," Ducky says firmly hoping that Jethro would let it go for now.

"Ducky, if it has to do with a member of my team, I need to know," Jethro tells him. He's almost certain that it's about Tony. After seeing his agent acting the way he has, Jethro knows that something has been going on and apparently Tony has confided in Ducky and Ziva but not him.

"Jethro, I cannot tell you. The person this involves told me in confidence," Ducky say hating to have to keep this from Jethro.

Jethro decides he'll either try to get Ziva to tell him or else have a conversation with Tony. He doesn't know what's going on with the younger man, but this has to end soon. Tony was obviously not sleeping well. It's making him less alert and that could be dangerous.

Ziva is concerned about the determined look on her boss's face knowing that Gibbs won't give up until he knows what's going on. He is stubborn when he wants to be especially when he's trying to get information about something.


	5. Chapter 5

Ch. 5

Dislaimer: I don't own NCIS

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I appreciate the comments.

Tony DiNozzo types on his computer working on cold cases. 'I wish that I could go downstairs and take a nap on Abby's futon,' he thinks to himself. Knowing Gibbs, he wouldn't go for that without a good reason and at the moment Tony still didn't want to discuss what's going on with him.

Jethro enters the bullpen to see Tony and Tim working apparently diligently on their computers. 'DiNozzo, conference room now,' Jethro orders the younger man. He is determined to get to the bottom of this once and for all. Tony had been acting strangely for too long now. It is beginning to affect his health.

Tony thought 'Here we go.' Gibbs has good instincts when it comes to problems with his agents. Gibbs may not know exactly what's going on, but things have gotten worse lately.

"Tony, I have tried to give you space to get through whatever problem you're having, but now it's getting to the point where you aren't able to function well. I am concerned that you are going to get sick. I know something is going on with you. I just don't know what," Jethro tells him.

'I wonder what Ducky said to him,' Tony thinks. 'There's no way he would rat me out though. He promised.'

Tony considers his options. He fairly certain that Gibbs won't give up until he finds out what's going on, but Tony isn't ready to spill everything. He's been through this sort of thing before and came out okay on the other side.

"I'm fine, Boss. Just been having trouble sleeping lately," Tony says hoping to put the older man off for a while.

"I don't believe that's all there is too it, DiNozzo. I know it's gotta be more than that. You haven't been yourself lately at all," Jethro says. As tempting as it is to headslap the younger man, Jethro doesn't think it would be the best move at the moment.

Jethro continues glaring at him knowing that he can possibly wear the younger man down into telling him exactly what's going on.

Tony tries not to look at his boss. With everything that's been going on with him, Tony doesn't want to discuss it with Jethro of all people. He's had a hard enough time telling Ducky and Ziva about everything.

"Boss, I have been having nightmares recently that I'd really rather not discuss with you," Tony says hoping that maybe Jethro will leave this be for the moment anyway.

"They're bad enough that they're effecting your ability to sleep. I think you need to talk to someone about it. If nothing else, you probably should start seeing a therapist before you have problems functioning up to standards. As it is, your ability to do you job properly has started to be effected," Jethro says trying not to pry too much for the moment He knows Tony can be as stubborn as he himself at times.

"Boss, it's the Patterson case that's giving me problems. I'll get over it eventually. I always do," Tony tells his boss not realizing that he's given away more information than he'd originally intended.

'He's been through this before. It must be a recurring thing,' Jethro thinks. He knows that the job can occasionally cause nightmares but nothing like this under normal circumstance. Something from his past must be affecting Tony in a negative way.

"Tony, I think you need some help. The only reason I knew something was going on is because I overheard Ducky and Ziva talking. I didn't get any of the specifics. Heck they wouldn't even tell me who they were talking about. I just put two and two together. I am telling you that because Ducky didn't betray your confidence to me," Jethro told him. "I think you may need some counseling or something to help you through this. I hate shrinks as much as the next person, but they can be helpful when needed. This is a case where I think you need help. I am not declaring you unfit for duty yet, but it's getting close. I don't want to have to do that," Jethro tells him.

"Boss, I am dealing with some things that would make anyone have nightmares. It should go away soon. If it doesn't, I may very well take your advice and seek help," Tony says knowing that eventually he may have no choice anyway.

"DiNozzo, I really think that you need to tell me what's causing the nightmares," Jethro says insistently hoping that the younger man will tell him.

Tony sighs. This is exactly what he didn't want to have happen. He'd been avoiding telling Jethro since the Patterson case. Now he's faced with dealing with this or possibly loosing his field agent status for a while.

"When I was eight, my Mom died of cancer. My Dad was pretty much angry with the world at that point. He started beating me, mostly using his belt. Any little thing would set him off. If I watched a movie and he thought the volume was too loud. If I called him Dad instead of Sir. That sort of thing. Yes, there was times when I deserved to be punished, but usually it really wasn't something a normal parent would get that upset about. I learned that from my friends at school. I felt really lucky when I was sent away to boarding school at the age of twelve. When the Patterson case came up, it brought back memories of things I would rather have forgotten and then the nightmares started. I haven't had a full night's sleep since," Tony said.

_What will Jethro's reaction to Tony's revelation be?_


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapters.

Jethro can feel his temper flare at the revelation at what Tony's father had done to him. What he wouldn't do to get his hands on Tony's father right then. Fortunately, that wasn't possible, or Jethro might have been brought up on assault charges if not worse. It wasn't right to treat a child like that, no matter what. He couldn't imagine having treated Kelly like that when she was a kid and she'd gotten into her fair share of trouble.

Tony balks for a moment sensing the famous Gibbs Temper, but he hopes that it isn't he himself that is causing the problem. He knows that in all likelihood it isn't him Jethro's mad at, but one can never be certain until he speaks. Tony's been with Jethro long enough to know that.

"Tony, I can tell you that the way your father treated you wasn't right. No child deserves it. I don't know how you got through that and came out out on the other side of it like you have. Tony, you have every reason to be proud of the man you turned out to be. I know I am.," Gibbs says. He's trying reassure the younger man that it's not him he's angry with.

Tony looks a little relieved. He should have known that Jethro wouldn't blame him. He may have occasionally accidentally provoked his father into action, but really what kid doesn't get into trouble sometimes. Normally, Tony would be basking in the praise, but this wasn't an ordinary situation for either of them.

"Boss appreciate that, but all of my childhood from the time my Mom died, I was made to believe that I was worthless. Dad told me that I would one day end up in the gutter. That was after I told him I didn't want to got into the family business. I guess I was lucky that I got a scholarship to college. Otherwise, who knows where I'd be," Tony tell him.

"Tony, I agree with Ducky that maybe you need to seek counseling. It might really help you. I hate seeing the way the Patterson case has effected you so badly. You have been through so much. It will help you to talk to someone professional. I honestly think it would help you a lot," Jethro said. He hadn't ever really gone to one except for the necessary psych evals, but he'd heard that it could really help people with pass traumas.

Tony has been considering this very thing. He hates shrinks. He doesn't really understand why, but it's nothing really pops up in his mind as to the true reason. "Like I told Ducky, I'll think about it. That's all I can guarantee for now."

Jethro nods his head in understanding. He know Tony's dislike for shrinks and won't force him for now anyway. "I'm here if you need to talk," Jethro says.

After several more minutes of talking, Tony and Jethro head downstairs to the bullpen. Ziva could see the looks on both Jethro and Tony's faces. They look deep in thought at the moment. She figures they have talked about what's going on with Tony. 'I hope Gibbs was able to help him in some way.


	7. Chapter 7

After everything that's happened the last few days, Tony relaxes in his apartment watching _Twister. _It isn't too late yet. He wants to relax and hopefully sleep without nightmares tonight. He knows that it might not happen, but he can hope.

Tony thinks back to Jethro's reaction. He'd been very surprised to say the least. He would have thought that Jethro would think him weak and pathetic. Instead, Jethro had been angry with Tony's father for his treatment of him when he was younger. Then Jethro had told him how proud he was of the man he'd turned out to be. That had really surprised Tony.

Tony falls into a deep sleep at about eleven o'clock. Three hours later, Tony wakes up trembling again from a nightmare. It is an improvement from the night before. He had slept almost twice as long before the nightmares had awoken him. While he isn't happy about still having these problems, he's relieved

The rest of the night goes by somewhat smoothly. He has another nightmare at about four o'clock, but it is still an improvement over what has been happening to him lately. Tony knows that they will dwindle down to nothing soon. It's happened before. He hates it when a case does this to him.

The next morning, Tony shows up to work looking much better than the day before. Ziva notices immediately. She realizes that maybe talking to Ducky and Gibbs had helped him with his nightmares. She hopes so anyway.

"Good morning everyone. It's a beautiful day," Tony says more chipper this morning than he has been in a while.

"Morning, Tony. You're mood has certainly improved this morning," Tim says not having a clue what's been going on with his partner lately. He has noticed something is wrong, but that's about it.

Tony smiles at him, but doesn't otherwise acknowledge the comment. He feels that for the moment he has revealed his secret to enough people already. He knows that they'll keep his secret for as long as he feels is necessary.

Jethro comes into the squad room a few minutes later with the ever present cup of coffee in his hand and immediately notices the change in Tony's demeanor. Relief flow through the older man, knowing that means that the nightmares have been kept at least somewhat at bay the night before.

"Gear up. We've go a dead lieutenant in Rock Creek Park," He barks in his normal voice.

The end.

Author's Note: There may be a sequel. Just not sure yet.


End file.
